Playing the Victim

I am reading an awesome book right now called, "The Bonds That Make Us Free".  Several of you have read it, but if you haven't I strongly recommend it.  I think it's better than the Peacegiver (to me that one borders on overrated - but I can see why people like it).  I'm only on chapter four, but it is has made me aware of how much I have played the victim in my life.  Even when I don't say anything, in my mind I will get frustrated with someone and hold them responsible for my anger, justifying the anger I feel. I have known people who have done this all their lives - blaming someone for their misery never quite taking responsibility for their life.   

It's interesting how often we "victim stance" - as I call it.  People do things that frustrate us and we feel justified in our negative feelings towards them.  We may foolishly believe that if we keep quiet that it doesn't come out towards them, but believe me it does.  We may think it imperceptible but the other person, especially when it is someone we're close to, picks up on it. When they do pick up they'll push back which will in turn justify our frustration.  

Maybe we make our feelings more overt, but rather than showing the hurt we get scared and present it wrapped in anger.  Most people react to anger with defensiveness which also gets us stuck in a pattern where we feel justified in our anger.  "You see", we tell ourselves, "I am not to blame here, look how they are treating me".  Ironically the other person is coming from the same place, and then the couple (or parent/child) get stuck in a negative downward spiral.  

So how do we get out of that spiral, you might ask?  We follow the scriptures counsel to take it to the person that hurt us to give them the opportunity to apologize.  We own the feelings the and show the other person those feelings - "It made me sad, when you..." .  Then it's up to the other person to own what they did and sincerely apologize.  I know, I know, it never goes that easily.  But having the courage to be honest in our relationships helps it to move forward.  

Of course the other piece is we don't have to bring up the big issues, there is a lot where we also need to forgive (in some cases on a daily basis).  I think you just look at the person, tap into that love that you have for them, and decide that is more important that your anger towards them.  I believe when we are victim stancing there is no room for love for anyone else - all there is is a big me at the center, with no room for happiness.  

Anyways, I'm going to try harder to not to play the victim, because I think in the end the biggest anger is towards God.  It is as if to say, my life should be better or different or whatever, instead of the way it is.  He knows how it should be for each of us, and believe me it could not be any better for us than it is now.  It is hand crafted for each of us to help us achieve our full potential.  As mentioned by Elder Holland, we all have our liberty jails, that we should endure cheerfully (and gratefully) and then afterwards we will be exalted on high.  I don't think it gets any better than that.